Friday, August 26, 2005

86 rules to live by ...

The 86 Rules of Boozing

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar;
preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her
drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order
a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half
martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and
two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: "Great, now I'm
going to get drunk!" "I hate shots!" "Oops, it's coming back up!"

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does
not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still
might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the
bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as
the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the
same thing-urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the
bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror.
It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a
shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night.
If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him
again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be
surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar.
Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back
in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months,
you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you
leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has
been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least
two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every
jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and
browse through all the drinks you've never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make
small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then
you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is
$1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has
handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or
cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the
same," then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they
keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it
up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up,
than blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say

45. Its okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds
after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby"
or "darling."

47. Nothing screams 'faggot' louder than swirling an oversized
brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws; unless you're doing a Mind or Face

49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it,
don't accept it.

50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.

51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.

52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are
slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are
not speaking English.

56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.

57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will
get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will
lose the fight.

58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is

59. If you are broke and a friend is "sporting you," you must laugh
at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.

60. If you are broke and a friend is "making sport of you," you may
steal any drink he leaves unattended.

61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent
of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.

62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're
ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you
will end up buying more drinks than him.

63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure
you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.

64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.

65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.

66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are
right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."

67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in
the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.

68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step
the hell away from the bar.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your
fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to
sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a
night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends
will understand. If they even notice.

72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're
hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old
arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time
you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.

73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender
looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.

75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you
dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.

76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks
for a packed bar.

77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this
is going to be a hassle, but..."

78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy
begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.

79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To
come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.

80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of

81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-
tell liquor.

82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if
you're supposed to be at work.

83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.

84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best
gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.

85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a
handshake and a kiss.

86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
... so, belly-up to the bar boys and let's sing some drinkin' songs!
the kinks - alcohol
ray charles - let's go get stoned
thelonious monk - straight, no chaser
van morrison - moonshine whiskey
louis jordan - what's the use of getting sober (when you're gonna get drunk again)
bob dylan - rainy day women #12 & 35
tony tribe - red, red wine

(thanks to leo the wop for the somewhat sobering reminder)


Blogger Laurie said...

That was great! I'm going to link to it.

6:41 PM CDT  
Blogger nostradumass said...

yeah man, i already linked to it and printed a copy out for safe keeping (to make coasters?). another song for the list could be Modest Mouse's "Polar Opposites", the chorus of which is:
"I'm tryin'
I'm tryin' to
Drink away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away."

If I ever own a bar, the 86 rules will be prominently displayed. thanks.

7:02 PM CDT  
Blogger sleepybomb said...

thanks ya'll, i knew this post would weed out the weak . . . let's rock, i'm buyin'!

7:05 PM CDT  
Blogger J. Marquis said...

One of my favorites is "I Went To The Mirror" by Todd Rundgren. It's really more of a hangover song but it sort of fits...

11:25 PM CDT  
Blogger Blimunda said...

hey friend,
you have made my day...great music.
Lets keep drinking red wine.

12:18 AM CDT  
Blogger Reverend Frost said...

Oh Lord, please buy the next round !

4:01 AM CDT  
Blogger Snave said...

I like "The Vomit Song" by Barnes and Barnes. That one says a lot about the aftermath of heavy partying and drinking.

This is a great list, Sleepy! Thanks for posting it!

9:38 PM CDT  
Blogger sleepybomb said...

ha, 'the vomit song', i need to winmx that too now and i never thought about '..mirror' as a drinking song, but i guess so, i've lived that.
but right now the red, red wine is flowing like, well, wine ... and i'm buying for sure-sies. . .
cheers comrades!

7:30 PM CDT  
Blogger MAB said...

hey sleepybomb, i like your style.
what a great list of rules to live by

have you heard "Drink" by The Jazz Butcher? ....
"I don't wait 'till I'm sober 'till I get drunk again"


3:10 PM CDT  

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